lachesis_moirae

Sometimes i really feel like i have the devil inside me

I just had a really bad acid trip and found out that someone i liked so much is a total dick and i have such intense fear and anxiety right now about all the shit thats happening and that someone i love is moving away very soon and the fact that he and i are not on very good terms right now and i dont know what to do i am very very scared right now

theres a lot of wayyyy too complicated people shit that i am so not equipped to deal with and i wont have to deal with soon except i will because just because you are in a different place does not always mean shit is just over. or maybe it does...

ive been trying to keep it light but i need to realize that these situations are mostly created by myself, and whether or not i meant to do them i still need to deal with them. this is like trying to unravel a bunch of knots of thread that is all the same color. the urge to just say fuck it and throw it down and walk away from it is really strong but i cant do that so im just gonna figure shit out. not all of it is bad shit but it is complex and serious an emotional where i just want to be completely unserious all the time.






im going back into my cage.

i feel like i
am losing my mind

I AM SO READY FOR FUCKIN ILLFEST ALL DAY BOTH DAYS EVERY DAY LETS DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have just recieved this email from my perspective roommate, Rachel Hubbard.

"Hello. My name is Rachel and I hear we are going to be roommates next year so I wanted to introduce myself. I graduated from Sandy High School and am from Sandy, Oregon. I am considering majoring in Chemistry. I like to read. I play waterpolo and I swim. This summer I am working at Cannon Beach. My birthday is June 30th. I would be nice to hear from you. See you in September.
RACHEL"


Oh god. Oh god.

So I just got my housing email from Portland State. I will be in the Ondine building and my roommates name is Rachel Hubbard. Everything just got very real and i am terrified. I dont know if I will be able to do this or handle it. I dont know if i am able to be on my own or able to coexist with someone. I just dont want to deal right now.

Not to be a fag or nothin, but if there is any song out right now that can top Electric Feel by MGMT in sheer groovyness, someone should tell me about it.

I will say this once because I should only have to say this once. If I say no, it does not mean I will change my mind if you keep asking. It means fucking no. This is like the second or third time this has happened this summer, and the first time was so so bad that I am on my fucking guard from males in a higher way than I have ever been ever. Dont ask me thirteen hundred times... I may be fucking drunk but i mean it. I will never let myself be backed into a corner or taken advantage of again, which is why I am so mad right now at some stupid boy who is just not getting it. NO NO NO NO NO. I am so fed up with this shit, next time I'm just gonna fucking punch somebody.

My high school career could be described as a few steps above abysmal. I skipped most of it, was on drugs for a lot of it, and generally had a lot of angst and confusion. I also am not too sure what i want to do or whats going to happen afterwards. This is why i find it amusing that in a strange twist of fate, i have been accepted to all the colleges i applied to.

they are:
San Francisco State (in San Francisco, obviously)
Humboldt State (in Arcata)
Portland State (in Portland, OR)
Evergreen (in Olympia, WA)

Like i said, I'm really not sure which of these I want to go to. I'm also not sure what the fuck is even going on pretty much all the time. Maybe i should leave the city, maybe i should stay, im not really sure yet... I guess im going to go out Evergreen and Portland during spring break and see Surya and Lucas, which should be fun.

There is a tentative road trip being planned for next weekend to go up to Humboldt, hang out with Anastasia, and probably buy a lot of pot. Anyone else wanna go?